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  He shook his head. "Nothing. It's just nobody…" His voice trailed off. He turned away, wrapping his arms around himself.

  But she didn't need him to finish the sentence. She knew. No one had offered him physical reassurance after his accident and he had needed it. He had-- Her thoughts stopped abruptly. Blair hadn't said it was an accident.

  "How?" she blurted out, unable to keep the edge from her voice. "How did it happen? Was it because of Jim?"

  "Not directly."

  "Blair..."

  He turned to face her again. "I can't go into details, mom. I just…I can't."

  "What can you tell me?"

  He let out a long rattling breath. "We were working a case and Jim and I argued. He…he asked me to move out."

  "Asked you?" Naomi said, sensing more to it than that.

  "Okay, he threw me out of the loft," he admitted with more than a little reluctance and she knew he was working hard not to make Jim seem like the bad guy in all this. Making excuses for him. Wanting it not to be as ugly as she suspected it had been. "Anyway, the person we were investigating came after me."

  "Blair, I'm sorry." She touched his face again, cupping his cheek.

  He leaned into her hand. "It was bad, mom," he whispered. "I never felt so alone in my life until the moment Alex came into my office at the university."

  "Alex?" she asked softy.

  "She's the one who…" He bit his trembling lip.

  "I got it, baby." She gritted her teeth against the anger that burned through her. Anger at this woman who had dared to touch her son. To harm him so deeply. Nearly irreversibly.

  "But Jim found me," he continued. "It happened at Rainier…the fountain at Rainier."

  She swallowed hard at the sudden dryness in her throat. She and Blair had eaten lunch there once, sitting on the edge of that fountain. She had thought it was a beautiful setting. So peaceful. To think that he almost died there… She shivered as a chill stole over her. "What happened?"

  "Jim found me," he said again. "He's the one who revived me, mom. Everyone else had given up on me but Jim didn't."

  She shuddered thinking of Jim Ellison holding her son's life in his hands. If Blair had died, who would have called her? Jim? Captain Banks? She trusted these people with her only child's life yet no one had contacted her to tell her that she had almost lost him. Would they have even bothered to call her if Blair had died? What excuse would they have given her?

  "Mom?"

  She blinked, pulled from her thoughts by Blair's voice. His brow was furrowed in confusion. "You okay? You seemed about a million miles away there."

  "Just trying to process all this." She led him to the couch and sat beside him. "So I take it this Alex person has been caught and you and Jim are trying to work out whatever went wrong between you."

  "Alex was caught," he said softly.

  "And you and Jim are working things out?" she asked again.

  "Yeah," he whispered. "I guess."

  "What do you mean you guess?"

  Blair pushed up from the couch and began pacing before her. "Jim threw me out because he accused me of betraying his trust. I don't know if I did or not but he wouldn't even discuss it. Then when we went after Alex…" His voice trailed off. He ran a hand wearily over his eyes. "Things...happened and I felt he was betraying me. Part of me still does."

  Realization washed through her. "You still haven't talked about any of this."

  "No," he breathed.

  "But you're back at the loft, aren't you? I called you there. If you haven't worked things out, why are you back there?"

  He shrugged one shoulder. "It just sort of happened. I wasn't even sure I could move back in until I arrived with my first box and Jim didn't ask me what the hell I was doing. I kept thinking that once I was moved back in, once things got back to normal, Jim would finally be able to talk about everything that happened. But he hasn't."

  "So you still feel like Jim betrayed you but you're back living with him? Working with him?"

  He shrugged that same shoulder again.

  Naomi could not believe what she was hearing. "Blair, I raised you better than this. To respect yourself more than this."

  "Mom, Jim isn't exactly into talking about his feelings or our friendship."

  "But he's fine at being angry and saying hurtful things."

  "I know he's sorry."

  "Knowing it and having it said are two different things." She stood and crossed to him. "Don't you see how this has affected you? Is still affecting you?"

  Blair remained silent but he no longer looked at her. Instead, his gaze remained on the floor. She could sense his unease but she was not ready to end this conversation. She needed to understand how her son could let himself get into a situation like this. Why he continued to endure it.

  "Why do you stay?" she asked. "If you're so unhappy then why?"

  "Jim is my best friend and that's my home," he said, his voice barely audible in the quiet of the house. "I guess…I just wanted it back, mom. I wanted it back the way it was before all this happened."

  "But it's not," Naomi said simply.

  He shook his head.

  "Why?"

  "Because nothing was ever resolved for me." Finally, he looked up. The pain she had seen before was still there but now confusion mingled with that pain. "I know Jim," he said softly. "I know he didn't mean what he said. I know he thinks of me as his friend and that he can trust me but...."

  "But you need to hear him say it," she finished for him.

  "Yes," he admitted. "As much as I know it, yes, I also need to hear him say it. I need to hear the words." He paused to take a shuddering breath. "What scares me, mom, is that I don't know if he can."

  Jim walked up the front steps of the house, trying to pick out his Guide's familiar heartbeat from inside. But the sound of the ocean was too loud. He couldn't move past it. He knocked and waited. The door opened a moment later. Naomi stared up at him. Anger creased her brow.

  "What are you doing here?" she demanded.

  "I came to talk to Blair," he said simply. Once again, he sent out his hearing. Once again, he could not locate his Guide.

  Naomi crossed her arms over her chest. She remained in the doorway, effectively blocking the way in. "Now you want to talk to him? Now that you realize he might leave and not come back, now you want to talk to him?"

  Jim ran a hand over his short hair. "Listen Naomi, I don't know how much he told you--"

  "Not much," she cut in. "He didn't want me to hate you. Even though he really needed to talk about it, needed to get it out, he still held back, for your sake. I don't know why but he's loyal to you. He thinks of you as his best friend."

  "He is my best friend."

  She raised an eyebrow. "I'd hate to see how you treat your enemies."

  "Where is he?"

  "Out on the beach." Her eyes took on a sad, haunted quality Jim had never seen before. "He told me about the drowning." She turned her gaze to him again. The sadness had been replaced by anger...anger directed at him. "He nearly drowns yet what seems to comfort him the most is sitting out there watching those waves roll in."

  Jim shifted his gaze to the back of the house. He could see a solitary figure sitting in the sand on the beach.

  "You know what's funny, Jim?" Naomi said, drawing his attention back. "After everything he told me, as deeply as I know this is hurting him, I think when this weekend ended, he would have gone back to Cascade and never said a word to you about any of it. That's how important you are to him. I just wish you deserved that kind of friendship."

  Blair stared out at the ocean as wave upon wave crashed ashore. He liked the steadiness of the pattern. Liked knowing that after he left here tomorrow, those waves would still crash to shore exactly the same way. Just as they would the day after that and the day after that. Nothing would deter them. They were unchanging. Completely reliable. He thought about his own life, wished for that same kind of steadiness. He'd thought he had found it. Unti
l Alex. Until that day in the bullpen when Jim said he couldn't trust him, that he had betrayed him. He dropped his gaze to the sand. Picking up a handful, he let it fall through his fingers. All the things he had built up over three years had slipped away from him in that moment as easily as the sand now slipped through his fingers. And he had yet to gain it back.

  He pulled his knees up and hugged them tightly. His mind drifted over the cases he had worked on with Jim since getting back from Mexico. Each one filtered through his mind and with each one came the knowledge that things just weren't the same between them. But more than that, he realized that he wasn't the same. He'd followed through on each case, but he hadn't moved beyond what he needed to do. Hadn't pushed himself that extra ten percent he always pushed. He just didn't have the enthusiasm for the job...or for anything anymore. He rested his chin on his knees, tightening his grip around his legs.

  He had to make a decision because tomorrow he had to go back to Cascade. Back to Jim. And he needed to have it clear in his mind what he expected....what he could live with.

  A shadow fell across him from behind. Before he could turn, a familiar voice rang through him. "Hey, Chief."

  Blair tensed. How the hell had Jim found him? Shielding his eyes with his hand, he turned and looked up at the Sentinel. "How'd you find me?"

  "You left a message on the answering machine. It wasn't too hard."

  Blair cringed inwardly as he remembered picking up the phone after the machine had already kicked on. Damn, why didn't I realize my conversation had been recorded?

  "I thought maybe you left it there for me--"

  "No," Blair cut in. "I didn't."

  Jim dropped down beside him on the sand. "We need to talk."

  "Why? Because you say we do?" he blurted out. Blair had wanted to have this weekend to think. To be away from Jim so he could try and come to terms with what he was feeling. Try to decide what he wanted to do. But Jim had to invade. Had to barge in on him. And now he wanted to force him to talk. "You know, Jim, I'm tired of everything being on your timetable. We talk when you want to talk. We argue when you want to argue. Everything is yours...and I'm tired of it."

  "Do you want me to leave?" Jim asked with more than a little annoyance in his voice.

  "Yes."

  "Well, I'm not going to."

  "Big surprise there," Blair muttered.

  Silence descended as both men turned their attention to the rolling ocean waves before them. Blair could feel Jim's unease. Knew how hard this must be for him. But he would be damned if he was going to make the first move. He'd done that too many times. If Jim really wanted to talk, then he would have to start it. Blair was not going to help him this time.

  "Listen, Chief," Jim began after a time, his voice unsure, "I don't know how things got so messed up between us but--"

  "You don't?" Blair let out a short laugh. "Gee, let's see, Jim. It started in the bullpen when you accused me of betraying your trust and it ended with your buddies just yesterday. How's that for the shortened version?"

  Jim's jaw clenched but he said nothing more.

  "You know what I keep thinking about, Jim? I keep thinking about when you came to see me in the hospital. Before you showed up, I was laying there all by myself, wondering if you were going to come. I mean, the last words between us were bad. You basically kicked me out of your life....for good I thought. But then you showed up." He looked at Jim. He could see the regret etched in the Sentinel's face. Knew Jim didn't really want to talk about any of this. But he had started it and Blair was determined to finally say what he had been feeling for so long.

  "I don't know what I expected , Jim, but it wasn't some lame joke about picking up nurses or owing you rent." He turned back to the steady waves. "I didn't expect you to break down and admit that you were glad I was alive even though I hoped you were. I didn't expect you to beg me to move back to the loft but I was hoping you'd ask. I didn't even expect you to apologize even though I felt I deserved that from you. But there was one thing I did expect." He paused, remembering those moments in the hospital. Feeling once again the disappointment and hurt that had rippled through him when Jim left. Because the entire visit had been cold, unattached. "I expected relief," he said finally. "I nearly died, Jim. I expected you to feel something. But you didn't. You acted as if it was just another day between us. And man, it wasn't and I needed you to realize that. To acknowledge it."

  Jim sat like a statue beside him, not speaking, not moving. Just staring off in the distance. The wind blew up, dusting them both with light particles of sand. Still Jim was silent. Blair dropped his chin back to his knees...and waited.

  "I don't know why I said those things in the hospital," Jim said finally. He looked at Blair, his eyes narrowed slightly as if even now trying to make sense of his behavior. "Because I was relieved and I did want you to come home. But I had said so much. How could I fix that? What could I have possibly said in that moment that would have made things right again?" He dropped his gaze. "I just...I guess I just wanted to put it behind us. Forget it ever happened."

  "You have no idea how much I wish that were possible, Jim," Blair said softly. "How much I wish I could go back in time and make it so that none of this ever happened. Because since that day, I have felt this distance between us that was never there before. It's like you just don't care anymore what happens to me."

  Jim looked at him sharply. "Blair, you know I care what happens to you. I may not be great at showing it but come on, you know I do."

  "I did, Jim. I always did. Until Alex. Until you destroyed everything and made absolutely no effort to put it back."

  Jim dropped his gaze, is fingers clawing restlessly through the sand. "Chief, I can't go back and change the things I said before or after what happened at that fountain. But the way I reacted to Alex...." He shook his head, his brow furrowed. "That was instinct, Blair. I couldn't control what I was feeling when we were in Mexico."

  "Not all of it, Jim. It wasn't all instinct. You weren't always with her and you aren't with her now." He turned and looked directly at Jim, needing him to understand what he had been feeling for so long. "Because of how you reacted to her, because you felt something for her and wanted to save her, in your mind that somehow negated what she did to me. Well, not for me, Jim. Because what she did was horrific. That day was horrific. She wanted me dead and very nearly succeeded in killing me and you seem to think I should be able to just move on without a second thought." The words poured out of Blair, tumbling one over another, released in an angry, steady flow. "Do you have any idea if I've ever talked to anyone about what happened the day Alex came after me? Do you even wonder if I need to? Because the one time I tried to talk to you about it, you just brushed past it and I got the message loud and clear. You did not want to talk about it.

  "But man, Jim, I was murdered. I was killed and I don't even feel like I can talk about it. Like I shouldn't need to. I feel like I shouldn't bring it up ever because of how you acted around Alex. But that's your problem, not mine and I'm tired of pretending that I'm fine with everything because I'm not." He clamped his mouth shut. He hadn't meant to say so much. Hadn't meant his words to hurt. But they had. He could see it in Jim's eyes. In the set of his jaw. He turned his gaze back to the ocean.

  He knew Jim was still looking at him. He could feel his eyes on him, boring into him. This is when he gets up and leaves because Jim's just not built for this kind of stuff. Regret washed through Blair at the thought. Because if Jim left now, that would be it. Their partnership, their friendship truly would be over.

  But Jim didn't leave. Instead, he reached out and laid a hand on Blair's shoulder, squeezing gently. "I don't know what to say," he whispered, his voice rough. "I don't know how to make this better. But I want to, Blair. I want to make things right again."

  Blair closed his eyes, wishing Jim had shown him this much care that first day while he was in the hospital or any other day since. Maybe if he had, Blair could believe that things would c
hange Could go back to the way it had been before Alex. But right now...all he felt was a great sense of loss and hopelessness. "I don't know if you can." He shrugged Jim's hand from his shoulder, stood and walked away.

  Jim watched Blair go, stunned at all his partner had been holding inside.

  Until you destroyed everything and made absolutely no effort to put it back.

  Jim ran a hand over his eyes. What could he say? How could he defend himself? Everything Blair had said about him was true. But there was something else that was true, something that Blair had said before Alex ever arrived in town.

  He stood and followed Blair, catching up to him easily. He walked beside him, his instinctive protectiveness toward his partner kicking in as he looked down at the smaller man beside him. He noted his haggard appearance. Wondered when the kid had last slept, ate. He wanted to reach out and put a hand around his shoulders but he knew right now it would not be appreciated and might even be shrugged away and he couldn't take that...not again.

  "Blair, you said something about me in your dissertation. You said that most of my life choices are fear based. And you're right." He hesitated, nervousness clutching at his gut. He had wanted to tell Blair this for so long but the time had never seemed right. "Something happened, Chief. Something happened before I even knew Alex was in town. I had this dream...about you."

  Blair stopped walking. He turned a curious gaze toward Jim. "Go on."

  "In this dream, I was a hunter in the jungle. I knew I was in danger. I could feel it in the air, like a current of electricity that ran through my entire body. Then I heard a sound and turned. There was a wolf just a few feet away. Before I knew what I was doing, I drew an arrow and shot it. As it died, the wolf changed...morphed...into you. I...I didn't know what it meant. Didn't know how to interpret it. All I knew was that it terrified me and--"

  "You had this dream before you threw me out of the loft?" Blair cut-in "Before you said that I had betrayed your trust?"

  "Yes, but Blair, you don't--"